here she is..

this is where she rests now. as soon as I saw this box, I knew it was perfect for her. Its this beautiful dark wood with these intricate flowers/vines carved in the lid. the photo really doesnt do it justice at all; and i really love that it has a place for a photo right in the center.

xoxo

Procrastination is my middle name

I've been avoiding this follow up post for a while. What can I possibly say after losing my mom? Everything seems to pale in comparison right now, and to be honest, I'm almost tired of even thinking about it anymore. I miss her, more than any words could ever describe...she creeps into my every thought, the constant reminder that I will never be able to call and ask her advice, or even seek comfort. It kills me inside, these thoughts. But life goes on still, doesnt it? That hurts me too. I catch myself somedays laughing, or enjoying the girls--and I think thats wrong. Its not fair that we are creating memories that she isnt part of. I guess thats part of the grieving, feeling that everything is unfair. I took a picture of the box she is resting in, but I forgot my cord for my camera, so maybe I'll upload it tomorrow.

I do have some other news to share! I was invited to be apart of this. When I recieved the email from Fran, I was so touched that she thought of me--and then when I saw the list of the girls who will be making this blog happen--well my jaw about hit the floor! So much talent, and I'm truly flabbergasted to be amongst them. So keep checking back in, I'll be posting my intro on Friday :D

Also my best friend Carolyn and I are participating in this on Sept. 6. Her dad is living with Alzheimer's, and its so painful to watch her go through this with her family. He is truly one of the happiest people I've ever met, and I'm so honored to be able to do this with her. Please feel welcome to donate, even if its not to her.

xoxo

My hands look like hers..

But I'm still glad I thought to take a photo of them anyways.
--
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She's gone..

She left this world, left the pain behind, and moved on to a more
beautiful place. I miss her so much, it happened too fast. Everything
around me is demanding my attention.. All I want is to sleep so I can
see her in my dreams, hug her, hold her and hear her beautiful voice.

I miss you so much, mom. I love you more than any words could ever
express. I hope to make you proud, and to raise my daughters to be
strong, loving and passionate women--just like you. Visit me in my
dreams, and know you are always on my mind and in my heart.

LGP
12/30/58--8/2/08
Xoxo

--
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So scared

I feel so sick to my stomach. Like the vomit is just sitting at the back
of my throat, just waiting for me to breathe wrong. I keep re-playing
the conversation in my mind..and all I hear is my mom crying, telling me
that she is so sorry. I could barely say anything through my tears..

The cancer has spread to her bone marrow. There is nothing more the
doctors can do for her. She is 49 years old..I feel like this just isn't
fair. I just keep imagining in my mind all the things she is going to
miss..the girls finishing school, first boyfriends, first time driving a
car, me freaking out bc they are driving me crazy.. My girls falling in
love and getting married, leaving me and making their own families. Who
am I going to turn to for advice and comfort?? I want to just scream and
yell at the top of my lungs "Stop this!! Let her live, please.." But it
won't do any good. I feel like I'm 12 years old and just wanting to
throw a tantrum..to make things go my way, you know? Sillyness, that's
what that is.

So, I'm sitting here, trying to be a grown up about this. I just don't
know what to do. I need to be strong. To get through the shock of it,
and get things rolling. I called a couple hospice places this morning,
so that we can have her hospital bed setup when she gets here, as well
as other items she'll need. Its too surreal, even just typing that out.
I just always imagined us growing old together, with matching rocking
chairs on the front porch, eating mashed potatoes because we have no
teeth..

On to the good news.. There is a non profit called Angel Flights, that
donate flights to people in need of transport for medical reasons. She
is supposedly at the top of the list, so I'm hoping that she'll be here
by my birthday.. If not then, maybe no later than the weekend. We just
have to wait for a pilot to pick her, so here's hoping its soon. Once
she gets here we will have lots of work to do before we can enjoy each
other -- setting up hospice care, medicare crap and notifying Social
Security.. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Oh, and I have to explain that picture. While I was on the phone getting
the news from my mom, I was obviously upset and crying etc.. Anyways,
I'd called Art and Carolyn to tell them (also hoping they could help
calm me down) the news--while i was doing that, the girls went in my
room, made my bed with lots of pillows and all their favorite stuffed
animals. When I got off the phone, Olivia told me I could go lay down if
it would make me feel better.. And that I might find a note if I did
decide to lay down. So I go in and look around, seeing what they had
done for me, and I started crying again at how sweet my girls are. The
note said they loved me, and that they hope I feel better.. As I was
sitting there reading the note, Olivia walked over and said "here, in
case you get thirsty from all your crying" and handed me a glass of
water. She thought of everything! What great, loving and caring girls I
have. Just like their grandma.

Xoxo
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

as promised..

the cards that i said i made the other day.. i love this first one with the strawberry on it. its just so summery to me. and i love how the color scheme came out exactly how I had imagined.

this card, I dont love quite as much. maybe its bc its a design I borrowed from the CPS site and not one of my own. I dont know. I do think its cute, its just not 'me'.

I dont have much to say today, except that I'm glad its Friday, the week flew by super fast for me. I'm sitting here waiting for Art to get home from work, so I can be on my way to work. So exciting, right? dont be too jealous :D

Oh, and this pic is for my mom, so she can see my new haircut. I went pretty short, but kept a lot of length, kinda like an A-line thats choppy.

happy friday!!

xoxo

making new habits..or retrieving forgotten ones?

so the last few days, I've seriously been trying to make an effort at getting the old me back. lately, I've been in this weird mode--some strange alter ego, less bright version of myself. I think that I've been spending too much time thinking, and too little time doing. Lots of things on my mind, between work, the kids, my husband, and of course, my mom. Really I know its my worrying over my mom. Which really, doesnt do much, and I realize that. So, today, instead of just pushing paper around, and looking at freshly printed photos, I actually made a few things. And, the best part was, it wasnt torture. For some reason, when I'm depressed the last thing I want to do, is the thing I love the most. Its like trying to get me into the doctor, I swear.

As the last few weeks have flown by, I sit here, looking at my scrapbook supplies, thinking that I've wasted so much money on a hobby that is trivial. I really really felt that way, and I think thats what freaked me out the most. Here I've been sitting, crying over the thought of losing my mom, the memories I have her--and the thought of the memories that we havent yet created. I've been desperately seeking out old friends, family--really anyone that knew her. That knew the mom I've known my whole life. Like, they can help me remember her. Now before I go any further, I realize she isnt dead. I'm not thinking the worst at all. Well, actually thats probably not true. I am. But I'm thinking the worst, because I want to be prepared. I want to savor every little memory I have her, everything that reminds me of her. And I want to do it now, while I'm thinking about it, while I have her to help me remember all the little unimportant things, that will one day, be the MOST important things.

I digress; I realized, in my loathing of all things sb related--what a retard I was. Seriously. Here I was, looking at all my albums, all my supplies, and questioning why I ever loved this hobby. When I finally stopped analyzing why why why.. it came to me. This whole thing with my mom and me wanting to save every little scrap of a memory--that is why I scrapbook. How did I ever forget this? Must be my depression, I swear, I'm not usually such a retard. And once I realized this (like last week), I slowly started feeling the fire again.. that passion that I felt not so long ago. This, this is what is going to help me remember. Now, the hard part is, scrapping through my depression. I'm not so good at that; I typically prefer my bed and sleeping to anything resembling real life. So, I'm starting small, and simple. Cards. Well, and the 2 layouts I did above. Heres to one small step at a time.

xoxo

happy early birthday to me..

So, Saturday, Carolyn and I went to the farmers market downtown. It was really cool, as usual, but especially so since C had never been to it before. We got coffee, a ham and swiss croissant and a huge cinnamon roll to split. After walking around everything, oh, I dont know, maybe 4x each lol, I persuaded her to head to the Gateway to do some more walking around since it was so nice outside. Then I dragged her into forever 21, mostly because I dont feel right going in there alone because their clothes are waaaay too small for my butt. This way, if I'm in there with a skinny person, I dont feel so weird about it. Anyways, I was checking out purses while she was trying on sunglasses, when I happened upon this cutie:

Now, I've been in search of a cute, good sized purse ever since my car was broken into about a month and a half ago. The bastards took my ipod, my new Guess bag, along with my new Guess wallet. Grrr. Anyways, I just havent had the money to replace that bag with the one I really want--so when C saw how much I loved that pink one ^^ she decided it was perfect for an early bday present! I really do love it--its so roomy and comfy, and sits just right on my shoulder, which is mucho importante.

So, only 10 more days until I turn 30. I really dont know how I feel about it. Mostly strange I guess..I'm not exactly what I thought I would be at 30--which really, I guess is just grown up. I dont feel grown up, I dont feel like I have it all together like I thought I would. But really, thats okay. I'm not freaked out about it either. I mean, yeah, 30 is definitely not 25, but I'm so much better now than I was 10 years ago. I'm more me now, than I can ever remember, so thats what counts, right?
xoxo

we did a little of this..

I played hookie from work on Friday, and decided to do a little of this instead:

Such a nice day to spend at the park..Maya even enjoyed it despite not being to get really, really wet. They climbed up the rocks and onto the the little 'canyons'. Shh..dont tell anyone, because they really arent supposed to do that, but no one seems to follow those directions. I think the water is too inviting to not climb into it.

Its been a quiet weekend around here, yesterday was Art's 37th bday. I really can't believe that it came and went so fast. We really didnt do much to celebrate, most of his family is in Mexico on vacation; so we had some takeout from the Other Place. Those that are local to SLC might/might not know about this little gem downtown--its by far the best Greek place I've ever been to; their chicken pasta salad is my favorite!

Not much to update about.. or maybe I'm just not feeling chatty.. though I am hoping to get some sbing done since its been on my mind the last few days.
xoxo

Summertime..

So summer is officially underway around here; we celebrated olivia's 7th
birthday this weekend, and the theme was Hannah Montana. Up until the
party, or rather, the planning of the party, I had no idea that Olivia
liked Hannah so much. But now, its like someone puked Hannah all over my
house :hahaha:
I do have to say that she had great parties, and went home a very happy
girl.
Luckily she also got a pool, so I know we'll be spending lots of time in
the backyard..and hopefully not getting pooped on by all the birds!

Nothing more really going on here.. Just trying to decide what to do for
the 4th (please no one tell my children that Hannah will be here doing a
concert!). I think I'm still in the adjustment period of trying to get a
good sleep pattern. I still can't drag my ass out of bed before 10.
Ugh!! You'd think I'd have more will power, or at least louder kids!

Xoxo
--
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its only been about 2 weeks..

..

I really do. I don't really think that there is any other phrase out there that could sum up how I feel, better than that. I miss my mom. She is back at home and out of the hospital, and seems to be doing pretty good. She is tired and hot, but she is happy. I wish I were there. And I wish I could've stayed until she got out of the hospital. I sit here, wondering if I will regret not staying. I wonder if its a possibility for me to move my family down there, just so I can be there with her. Really, that isn't feasible for us, it would be easier to move her here, but again, not feasible right now. I want to enjoy and live every moment as possible, with her. I want my kids to be able to know her better than they do. I feel like my life is nothing without her in it. I wonder everyday if I will regret the choices I make today. She tells me constantly that she isn't dying, that she is going to live forever. I know that isn't true. I know that she is just being her usual optimistic self. But, I can't help feeling that at any given moment, something could happen and I wouldn't be there. Don't get me wrong--I don't think that she is dying right now, but I'm a realist, and I know that she is sick, and thats what scares the shit out of me. I dont want to wait for her to be dying to be able to see her and spend time with her. I want to enjoy the normal, everyday moments. I want to be able to take care of her and be with her. And just love her. Hug her whenever I feel like it. I'm so afraid of losing her, and I know that I need to just stop being afraid, and enjoy her right now. Enjoy her crazy silliness, her talk about her damn cat, and buying groceries. I need to just relish in the mundane, and be thankful for phones.

still adjusting..

so the whole family went to the annual church carnival--as per usual, the first ride was the ferris wheel (that is what its called, right? i always seem to forget what its called.) there was face paintings, which i didnt get a picture of, games, a cake walk (which the girls refused to take part in, so i had art buy me a brownie to make up for it :) as for art and i, we enjoyed some beer and smothered burritos. it was really pretty good.

today i'm suffering from a sleep hangover. i always know that if i sleep too long, my head will hurt. but its so flipping hard to get my butt out of bed! ugh. so, i'm still adjusting. since coming back from seeing my mom, i quit my morning job. its so nice only having one job and being able to spend all day with the girls--but the hard part is adjusting to working later (abt 6pm to 2am). thus, the reason i sleep so late. or at least i like that as an excuse lol. yesterday i actually got off a little early and decided to actually try to scrapbook. and it worked! i mean, it took me a while to get it looking how i wanted, but i eventually finished it. and here it is:

so i'm hoping that now that i've gotten over the inital 'where do i begin?', that i can continue on scrapping more frequently. we'll see. i always was better at procrastinating.

happy thursday :)

xoxo

Chalk art festival

Took the girls to the gatway yesterday to check out the locals doing
chalk art--they both adults and children entrants, and they both amazing
to see. I know these pics just don't do them any justice, but I wanted
to share.

My mom should be getting out of the hospital some time today; she has
been practicing going up and down stairs, and says she is feeling really
confident about it. Its been so great hearing her sounding so happy and
confident--its really just so amazing the turn around her health has
had. Thank you to everyone who has kept my mom and our family in your
thoughts and prayers, they truly do help.

Happy fathers day!
Xoxo
--
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Finally back home

Had to take a last minute trip to california to see my mom last
saturday. The cancer has spread to her liver and her spinal cord. I'd
been worried about something like this happening--she'd been complaining
about a numbness in her legs, and it turns out that was caused by a
tumor in her spinal cord. I got down to the hospital saturday evening,
and she was just in great spirits and so happy to see me and the girls.
She has been walking the last few days and will hopefully be back home
soon..she is making great progress. As for me, my head is still in a fog
just trying to absorb everything. I took today off work, but I'm not
feeling much better about things yet, all I know is I'm not ready for
reality just yet. Anyone know of a dark hole I can hide in for a little
while??
Xoxo
--
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wheeler farm..the experience of a lifetime..

last week i was able to go with olivia and her first grade class, on a field trip to this local farm--Wheeler Farm. first, let me say, that i've lived in the salt lake valley for most of my life--well, at least half of it. and while i had heard of Wheeler Farm, I'd never been. But really, lets face it; if you know me, then you know that i dont like bugs, dirt or stinky animals. period. so i've never had any interest in going to this place. But now that i'm older (gasp!), i think that i'm now actually able to appreciate nature, and find beauty in all things--whether or not they are stinky. Anyways, I was pretty excited to go, since usually its Art that goes on the field trips.. I couldnt wait, and neither could olivia.

So, lets fast forward to me getting to the school: its a little chilly, kinda overcast, but not too bad. I grab my sweater, just in case. I mean, we'd been experiencing pretty nice weather in the mid 70's. I thought I was thinking ahead. Anyways, I get inside, and Olivia sees me. The first thing out of her mouth is "mom, we have to wear tennis shoes, you know, we're going to a farm." Um, yeah I know where we are going. But like I said, its been warm, so I was wearing my flip flops--duh. We get to the farm, after an excruiatingly long and LOUD ride on the bus. Seriously?? who the hell crams 60 1st graders on one damn bus? I was ready to push out the emergency window and throw myself into the traffic on I-80 at that point.

Anywho.. we get there. Its a little windy--not too bad. The teacher casually mentions something about rain, but I'm not really listening or caring. The clouds arent THAT dark. We walk around for about 10-15 minutes, when all of a sudden--and I do mean sudden, there is a torrential downpour. I'm talking ginormous rain drops. Everywhere. We run for cover to the nearest place with a roof--the chicken coop. Yup. Me and 20 first graders with 3 class moms whom, by the way, dont speak English. Luckily the teacher had brought some garbage bags that we used to turn into make shift rain coats for the kids. Then we just stand there. Us, and chickens. This lasted for about 15mins before we made a run to the big barn--where the other classes had been. So yeah, we stayed there for the better part of the field trip..we didnt get to see many animals at all--but it was still fun. Even though my feet were covered in dried up dirt/mud, my hair was frizzed beyond belief. Olivia was right about the tennis shoes. Who knew?

some of the best news ever..

so i havent posted much about my mom lately--mostly because I've just been super worried about her. yes, she was in remission. actually, she still is. but they wanted her to go through radiation. on her brain. and i about freaked. radiation is serious. not that chemo isnt. because it is. but radiation? yeah. i didnt take it well. so shes been going everyday for about 2 weeks now..and while i can tell that it is taking its toll on her, she has been a trooper, always being upbeat and positive. but still, i could tell that she was scared, and that really scared me. anyways, she got the best news yesterday..this friday will be her last day of radiation, instead of having to continue for the next 2 weeks! i'm so happy that she is responding to the treatment so well. it was such a relief!

so that is my good news for the week--hell maybe even the year.
xoxo

it was a pretty day..

and also the perfect day to meet up with chastity and her friend mark. me and chas started talking a few months back at sistv, and a friendship formed. only problem was she lived in tennessee! but, lucky for me she has lots of friends here, so she came to visit this last week. it was so fun to finally meet her and to do some scrap shopping. and we really couldnt have planned it better, since it was national scrapbook day on saturday, so we got lots of stuff on sale! i even tried something new--chipotle! it was pretty good, but i can't say that i'd replace it with cafe rio, they will always be my fave.
and sadly, even though i did pick up a few things while shopping, i STILL havent scrapped in months. i need more time!! seriously. just last week i got a promotion at one of my jobs, so hopefully once the girls are out of school, i'll be able to quit the other job--which means lots more time! i can't wait! i sooo need a vacay. and i miss scrapping.
xoxo

its been about a month..

so i figured i'd better update! ha.

i was just blog hopping as i usually do, when i came across this clip from cz's blog that got me thinking..


Six-Word Memoir book preview from SMITHmag on Vimeo.

i wish i could write like that. like, when i read postsecret on sundays, i think to myself, gosh, these people can write. and its not like a novel--just the simplest, most powerful words. i wish i could do that.

reading these inspire me. to be better, to live longer, healthier, happier. sounds corny i know, but i've really been trying to take stock of my life and figure out just what i'm wanting out of it--and of course how to get there. i want to know how to live my life and feel like i've not wasted one second of it. to fully enjoy every bit that is handed to me, and to live with no regrets.. maybe i'm just feeling all introspective because i havent had much time to myself lately. i swear all i do is work and sleep.
maya begs me everyday to not go into work. it kills me to leave the girls. but i have to. at least thats what i think--but then i get to work and i wonder, is this really more important than spending time with my family? i hate being a grown up and having to decide between supporting my family and being there for my family.

anyways, maya has been sick the last few days so i took the morning off work to spoil her a bit. she's now wrapped up like a mummy in her bed watching spongebob and eating toast. she didnt have a fever this morning and i'm sure i couldve taken her in to work with me anyways, but to be honest, i was looking forward to a little snuggle time with her myself.
xoxo

busy busy busy

wish i had something more exciting to share! but i've been so busy with work..and work that there hasn't been much time for anything else. this pic was taken about 2 weeks ago when we took the girls to see the disney princesses on ice. it was so fun! i actually enjoyed it as much as the girls did--and the cotton candy didnt hurt :)

hope all is well with everyone in blogland!

xoxo

so i remember, not so long ago, when i truly wished that i was busy. that i actually would have a reason to get up and get dressed. someplace to be. and now, i can honestly say, that i wish that i didnt have anywhere to be, or any reason to get up out of bed. about a month or so ago i took on a second job--so i'm rarely home besides the weekends. i'm so TIRED. but mostly, i miss having time to do things that i want to do. i'm never satisfied i tell ya!

so..i've had plenty to update about, just havent had the time. and i know that i was tagged by joce a little while back, so hopefully i can get to that this weekend. i really miss having the time to even comment on blogs! but i'm going to really try to get back in my groove :)

happy friday!