Sunday, June 22, 2008
its only been about 2 weeks..
I really do. I don't really think that there is any other phrase out there that could sum up how I feel, better than that. I miss my mom. She is back at home and out of the hospital, and seems to be doing pretty good. She is tired and hot, but she is happy. I wish I were there. And I wish I could've stayed until she got out of the hospital. I sit here, wondering if I will regret not staying. I wonder if its a possibility for me to move my family down there, just so I can be there with her. Really, that isn't feasible for us, it would be easier to move her here, but again, not feasible right now. I want to enjoy and live every moment as possible, with her. I want my kids to be able to know her better than they do. I feel like my life is nothing without her in it. I wonder everyday if I will regret the choices I make today. She tells me constantly that she isn't dying, that she is going to live forever. I know that isn't true. I know that she is just being her usual optimistic self. But, I can't help feeling that at any given moment, something could happen and I wouldn't be there. Don't get me wrong--I don't think that she is dying right now, but I'm a realist, and I know that she is sick, and thats what scares the shit out of me. I dont want to wait for her to be dying to be able to see her and spend time with her. I want to enjoy the normal, everyday moments. I want to be able to take care of her and be with her. And just love her. Hug her whenever I feel like it. I'm so afraid of losing her, and I know that I need to just stop being afraid, and enjoy her right now. Enjoy her crazy silliness, her talk about her damn cat, and buying groceries. I need to just relish in the mundane, and be thankful for phones.