Tuesday, December 30, 2008

*tap tap* this thing on?

Um..yeah. so I haven't blogged in ages! Sorry 'bout that to those of you who might actually may still be checking in here. I have to say that its just been pushed to the back of my brain for quite some time. I guess I really only updated for my mom and her friends to see what me and the girls had been up to.

And, oddly enough, that's what brings me to updating today: my mom would've been 50 today. 50. In relation to my age, I guess that sounds "old"; if she were alive right now, I'd most likely be giving her shit for being over the hill lol. But, today, I see it differently. She was young. Too young to have lost her life already--even though she had lived a very long life. I think back over how I knew her, and I swear her life was just beginning. Many people didn't know what most of her life was like, and I'm sure she preferred it that way..but I think she lived a life to be proud of--at least the last few years anyway.

She was plauged by abuse as a child, estranged herself from her siblings in her 20's,  lived as an addict of meth and cocaine for over 20 years and she was a single mother most of my life. She didn't take the easy road by any means..and things between us were never perfect, but we were working on it. When I was pregnant with olivia, I told her I couldn't have her around the baby while she was high. My childhood was one thing, but I wouldn't allow it around my daughter. She just said "okay". And that was that. She quit. She just stopped. She said that the drugs weren't worth missing out on her granddaughters life. Soon after that she also quit smoking, which she had been doing since she was 13. I was amazed. And proud. I still am. I've never seen her happier than when she was with olivia and maya. They were her joy, her purpose...and legacy.

So today mom, I wish you were here. To hug you, smell your hair one last time, and sing YOU happy birthday. From olivia and maya, they say " we love you grammy hammy!"