Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So scared

I feel so sick to my stomach. Like the vomit is just sitting at the back
of my throat, just waiting for me to breathe wrong. I keep re-playing
the conversation in my mind..and all I hear is my mom crying, telling me
that she is so sorry. I could barely say anything through my tears..

The cancer has spread to her bone marrow. There is nothing more the
doctors can do for her. She is 49 years old..I feel like this just isn't
fair. I just keep imagining in my mind all the things she is going to
miss..the girls finishing school, first boyfriends, first time driving a
car, me freaking out bc they are driving me crazy.. My girls falling in
love and getting married, leaving me and making their own families. Who
am I going to turn to for advice and comfort?? I want to just scream and
yell at the top of my lungs "Stop this!! Let her live, please.." But it
won't do any good. I feel like I'm 12 years old and just wanting to
throw a tantrum..to make things go my way, you know? Sillyness, that's
what that is.

So, I'm sitting here, trying to be a grown up about this. I just don't
know what to do. I need to be strong. To get through the shock of it,
and get things rolling. I called a couple hospice places this morning,
so that we can have her hospital bed setup when she gets here, as well
as other items she'll need. Its too surreal, even just typing that out.
I just always imagined us growing old together, with matching rocking
chairs on the front porch, eating mashed potatoes because we have no

On to the good news.. There is a non profit called Angel Flights, that
donate flights to people in need of transport for medical reasons. She
is supposedly at the top of the list, so I'm hoping that she'll be here
by my birthday.. If not then, maybe no later than the weekend. We just
have to wait for a pilot to pick her, so here's hoping its soon. Once
she gets here we will have lots of work to do before we can enjoy each
other -- setting up hospice care, medicare crap and notifying Social
Security.. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Oh, and I have to explain that picture. While I was on the phone getting
the news from my mom, I was obviously upset and crying etc.. Anyways,
I'd called Art and Carolyn to tell them (also hoping they could help
calm me down) the news--while i was doing that, the girls went in my
room, made my bed with lots of pillows and all their favorite stuffed
animals. When I got off the phone, Olivia told me I could go lay down if
it would make me feel better.. And that I might find a note if I did
decide to lay down. So I go in and look around, seeing what they had
done for me, and I started crying again at how sweet my girls are. The
note said they loved me, and that they hope I feel better.. As I was
sitting there reading the note, Olivia walked over and said "here, in
case you get thirsty from all your crying" and handed me a glass of
water. She thought of everything! What great, loving and caring girls I
have. Just like their grandma.

Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Friday, July 18, 2008

as promised..

the cards that i said i made the other day.. i love this first one with the strawberry on it. its just so summery to me. and i love how the color scheme came out exactly how I had imagined.

this card, I dont love quite as much. maybe its bc its a design I borrowed from the CPS site and not one of my own. I dont know. I do think its cute, its just not 'me'.

I dont have much to say today, except that I'm glad its Friday, the week flew by super fast for me. I'm sitting here waiting for Art to get home from work, so I can be on my way to work. So exciting, right? dont be too jealous :D

Oh, and this pic is for my mom, so she can see my new haircut. I went pretty short, but kept a lot of length, kinda like an A-line thats choppy.

happy friday!!


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

making new habits..or retrieving forgotten ones?

so the last few days, I've seriously been trying to make an effort at getting the old me back. lately, I've been in this weird mode--some strange alter ego, less bright version of myself. I think that I've been spending too much time thinking, and too little time doing. Lots of things on my mind, between work, the kids, my husband, and of course, my mom. Really I know its my worrying over my mom. Which really, doesnt do much, and I realize that. So, today, instead of just pushing paper around, and looking at freshly printed photos, I actually made a few things. And, the best part was, it wasnt torture. For some reason, when I'm depressed the last thing I want to do, is the thing I love the most. Its like trying to get me into the doctor, I swear.

As the last few weeks have flown by, I sit here, looking at my scrapbook supplies, thinking that I've wasted so much money on a hobby that is trivial. I really really felt that way, and I think thats what freaked me out the most. Here I've been sitting, crying over the thought of losing my mom, the memories I have her--and the thought of the memories that we havent yet created. I've been desperately seeking out old friends, family--really anyone that knew her. That knew the mom I've known my whole life. Like, they can help me remember her. Now before I go any further, I realize she isnt dead. I'm not thinking the worst at all. Well, actually thats probably not true. I am. But I'm thinking the worst, because I want to be prepared. I want to savor every little memory I have her, everything that reminds me of her. And I want to do it now, while I'm thinking about it, while I have her to help me remember all the little unimportant things, that will one day, be the MOST important things.

I digress; I realized, in my loathing of all things sb related--what a retard I was. Seriously. Here I was, looking at all my albums, all my supplies, and questioning why I ever loved this hobby. When I finally stopped analyzing why why why.. it came to me. This whole thing with my mom and me wanting to save every little scrap of a memory--that is why I scrapbook. How did I ever forget this? Must be my depression, I swear, I'm not usually such a retard. And once I realized this (like last week), I slowly started feeling the fire again.. that passion that I felt not so long ago. This, this is what is going to help me remember. Now, the hard part is, scrapping through my depression. I'm not so good at that; I typically prefer my bed and sleeping to anything resembling real life. So, I'm starting small, and simple. Cards. Well, and the 2 layouts I did above. Heres to one small step at a time.


Monday, July 14, 2008

happy early birthday to me..

So, Saturday, Carolyn and I went to the farmers market downtown. It was really cool, as usual, but especially so since C had never been to it before. We got coffee, a ham and swiss croissant and a huge cinnamon roll to split. After walking around everything, oh, I dont know, maybe 4x each lol, I persuaded her to head to the Gateway to do some more walking around since it was so nice outside. Then I dragged her into forever 21, mostly because I dont feel right going in there alone because their clothes are waaaay too small for my butt. This way, if I'm in there with a skinny person, I dont feel so weird about it. Anyways, I was checking out purses while she was trying on sunglasses, when I happened upon this cutie:

Now, I've been in search of a cute, good sized purse ever since my car was broken into about a month and a half ago. The bastards took my ipod, my new Guess bag, along with my new Guess wallet. Grrr. Anyways, I just havent had the money to replace that bag with the one I really want--so when C saw how much I loved that pink one ^^ she decided it was perfect for an early bday present! I really do love it--its so roomy and comfy, and sits just right on my shoulder, which is mucho importante.

So, only 10 more days until I turn 30. I really dont know how I feel about it. Mostly strange I guess..I'm not exactly what I thought I would be at 30--which really, I guess is just grown up. I dont feel grown up, I dont feel like I have it all together like I thought I would. But really, thats okay. I'm not freaked out about it either. I mean, yeah, 30 is definitely not 25, but I'm so much better now than I was 10 years ago. I'm more me now, than I can ever remember, so thats what counts, right?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

we did a little of this..

I played hookie from work on Friday, and decided to do a little of this instead:

Such a nice day to spend at the park..Maya even enjoyed it despite not being to get really, really wet. They climbed up the rocks and onto the the little 'canyons'. Shh..dont tell anyone, because they really arent supposed to do that, but no one seems to follow those directions. I think the water is too inviting to not climb into it.

Its been a quiet weekend around here, yesterday was Art's 37th bday. I really can't believe that it came and went so fast. We really didnt do much to celebrate, most of his family is in Mexico on vacation; so we had some takeout from the Other Place. Those that are local to SLC might/might not know about this little gem downtown--its by far the best Greek place I've ever been to; their chicken pasta salad is my favorite!

Not much to update about.. or maybe I'm just not feeling chatty.. though I am hoping to get some sbing done since its been on my mind the last few days.
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