Wednesday, July 16, 2008
making new habits..or retrieving forgotten ones?
so the last few days, I've seriously been trying to make an effort at getting the old me back. lately, I've been in this weird mode--some strange alter ego, less bright version of myself. I think that I've been spending too much time thinking, and too little time doing. Lots of things on my mind, between work, the kids, my husband, and of course, my mom. Really I know its my worrying over my mom. Which really, doesnt do much, and I realize that. So, today, instead of just pushing paper around, and looking at freshly printed photos, I actually made a few things. And, the best part was, it wasnt torture. For some reason, when I'm depressed the last thing I want to do, is the thing I love the most. Its like trying to get me into the doctor, I swear.
As the last few weeks have flown by, I sit here, looking at my scrapbook supplies, thinking that I've wasted so much money on a hobby that is trivial. I really really felt that way, and I think thats what freaked me out the most. Here I've been sitting, crying over the thought of losing my mom, the memories I have her--and the thought of the memories that we havent yet created. I've been desperately seeking out old friends, family--really anyone that knew her. That knew the mom I've known my whole life. Like, they can help me remember her. Now before I go any further, I realize she isnt dead. I'm not thinking the worst at all. Well, actually thats probably not true. I am. But I'm thinking the worst, because I want to be prepared. I want to savor every little memory I have her, everything that reminds me of her. And I want to do it now, while I'm thinking about it, while I have her to help me remember all the little unimportant things, that will one day, be the MOST important things.
I digress; I realized, in my loathing of all things sb related--what a retard I was. Seriously. Here I was, looking at all my albums, all my supplies, and questioning why I ever loved this hobby. When I finally stopped analyzing why why why.. it came to me. This whole thing with my mom and me wanting to save every little scrap of a memory--that is why I scrapbook. How did I ever forget this? Must be my depression, I swear, I'm not usually such a retard. And once I realized this (like last week), I slowly started feeling the fire again.. that passion that I felt not so long ago. This, this is what is going to help me remember. Now, the hard part is, scrapping through my depression. I'm not so good at that; I typically prefer my bed and sleeping to anything resembling real life. So, I'm starting small, and simple. Cards. Well, and the 2 layouts I did above. Heres to one small step at a time.