Friday, April 16, 2010

.broken hearts suck ass.

i need to ramble. i've contemplated about whether or not i should i blog about this. its been on my mind and heart for a long time. i've wanted to talk about it. i need to talk about it. get it off my chest and just out there. but i think art just doesnt understand. or maybe he does, but cant comfort me in the way i need. my mom would understand. she would know the right thing to say. she always did, even if wasnt really words, just quiet understanding.

i've recently lost someone close to me. maybe thats not the right wording. no one died, but a relationship i guess i'm mourning that the way i would as if someone had passed. i lost my bff. people change. priorities. differences happen. it stung. shocked me. i felt that i had found my person. she WAS my person. is. i dont think i've been this hurt over a friendship..well..ever.

it was me. it was her. it doesnt matter.. the only relevent thing is that i've felt lost since then. i second guess everything i say and do. i question whether or not i'm being nice, supporting and encouraging or even friendly enough to the people in my life..  i worry that i keep my mouth shut when really i should be supporting--i worry i shouldnt be supporting or giving advice, and that i should just mind my own business. but then i feel weird for being so quiet. everything feels all wrong. i've never worried about what i said or how i react to things so much before; i'm so self conscience now. i have no self esteem. i feel like i'm not worthy of being friends with anyone. this one person, my bestie--she knew me better than anyone in the world, probably better than i knew myself. i cant help but feel that because of that, who i am, that that is the reason we are no longer friends. i have been shaken to my very core. i am re-thinking everything, how i dress, what i find funny, who i spend time with, where i i speak, what i think. i miss her. i miss us. i am lonely and sad all too often. and i remember once again what is like having to make new friends again. how hard it is as an adult, trying so hard to be accepted. hoping that someone will see something in me that they will like and fearing they wont see anything at all that is appealing to them. i hate this. self loathing. this isnt me, but yet i can think of nothing else. sometimes i tell myself its like that saying, that people are in your life sometimes for a reason or season, or whatever gay thing it says. you know which one i'm talking about? anyways. i've been having a hard time adjusting. not having that one person i can spill everything to. good things and bad. that person i can let my guard down with, and just be silly and goofy..its thrown me off. but i'm hopeful. i'm hopeful that i will find myself again, and maybe not be too worried about how others see me. true friendship. i'm positive i'll find it again.