Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So scared

I feel so sick to my stomach. Like the vomit is just sitting at the back
of my throat, just waiting for me to breathe wrong. I keep re-playing
the conversation in my mind..and all I hear is my mom crying, telling me
that she is so sorry. I could barely say anything through my tears..

The cancer has spread to her bone marrow. There is nothing more the
doctors can do for her. She is 49 years old..I feel like this just isn't
fair. I just keep imagining in my mind all the things she is going to
miss..the girls finishing school, first boyfriends, first time driving a
car, me freaking out bc they are driving me crazy.. My girls falling in
love and getting married, leaving me and making their own families. Who
am I going to turn to for advice and comfort?? I want to just scream and
yell at the top of my lungs "Stop this!! Let her live, please.." But it
won't do any good. I feel like I'm 12 years old and just wanting to
throw a tantrum..to make things go my way, you know? Sillyness, that's
what that is.

So, I'm sitting here, trying to be a grown up about this. I just don't
know what to do. I need to be strong. To get through the shock of it,
and get things rolling. I called a couple hospice places this morning,
so that we can have her hospital bed setup when she gets here, as well
as other items she'll need. Its too surreal, even just typing that out.
I just always imagined us growing old together, with matching rocking
chairs on the front porch, eating mashed potatoes because we have no

On to the good news.. There is a non profit called Angel Flights, that
donate flights to people in need of transport for medical reasons. She
is supposedly at the top of the list, so I'm hoping that she'll be here
by my birthday.. If not then, maybe no later than the weekend. We just
have to wait for a pilot to pick her, so here's hoping its soon. Once
she gets here we will have lots of work to do before we can enjoy each
other -- setting up hospice care, medicare crap and notifying Social
Security.. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Oh, and I have to explain that picture. While I was on the phone getting
the news from my mom, I was obviously upset and crying etc.. Anyways,
I'd called Art and Carolyn to tell them (also hoping they could help
calm me down) the news--while i was doing that, the girls went in my
room, made my bed with lots of pillows and all their favorite stuffed
animals. When I got off the phone, Olivia told me I could go lay down if
it would make me feel better.. And that I might find a note if I did
decide to lay down. So I go in and look around, seeing what they had
done for me, and I started crying again at how sweet my girls are. The
note said they loved me, and that they hope I feel better.. As I was
sitting there reading the note, Olivia walked over and said "here, in
case you get thirsty from all your crying" and handed me a glass of
water. She thought of everything! What great, loving and caring girls I
have. Just like their grandma.

Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®


Chasity Grace said...

sending you lots of love and hugs my friend!

Anonymous said...

Sending hugs and prayers for you.

vtpuggirl said...

I stumbled on your blog from Studio Calico. I feel as though I've walked in on a private moment. And I feel that even though I don't know you, you've helped me put my own piddly little problems in perspective again. So thank you for that. I'm so sorry about your Mom, so sorry that you have so many unpleasant details to handle, so sorry that you have been dealt such an unfair hand. Treasure your time together.

joanne (spagirl) said...

hi monica... (joanne, from studio calico) ... i'm so so sorry you are dealing with something so sad. you are right... it is not fair. sending you hugs and love... xoxo

Kristii said...

Bless your sweet heart!!! I just want you to know that you are not alone! Last week I found out that my mom has 2 weeks to 2 months left because of that wicked disease. I *feel* your pain!!!
Your girls are so sweet!! You have been truly blessed with them!
Sending you love and hugs and you can certainly email me anytime you want to talk. You can call me if you want to as well. I will give you my phone number via email!

karen m. (akaliz) said...

your girls are so sweet and thoughtful...they certainly must take after their grandma and their momma. my prayers and thoughts are with you. my heart breaks for you.

Helsbells said...

I'm another girl from Studio Calico...I read this yesterday but didn't really know what to say. I couldn't not leave a comment though.

A year ago, we lost my MIL to this horrible disease. One day she was fine and then 2 months later she had gone. So I understand some of what you are going through right now.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong. xxx

Anilu Magloire said...

M, this is breaking my heart... Nothing I can write will properly express what I want to tell you.
Drink up every last second you have with her.
I am sending you the biggest ((((HUG)))).

Myrna said...

Monica, we will be praying for you and your family. I love you and want you to know that if you need anything, I am here.

PS: Your girls are the sweetest little girls ever, just like their mom.

*~*Jocelynne*~* said...

oh sweet girl, i'm so sorry for your mom and you and your family! your girls are very sweet!