and if i were alone right now, thats what i'd be doing. i just got off the phone with my mom--and thats not the reason i want to cry, which is a good thing :) (and more on that later) but sometimes i just get this overwhelmingly sad feeling, and its hard to shake. i can never quite put my finger on what it is that can make me go from 'normal' to bawl baby. well, besides the BPD. :P
anyways.. maybe its just stress. lots of grown up crap going on and maybe its just my way of dealing. anyways it does seem to help a bit to write about it. i used to keep a journal..and when i say that i used to, i mean that i still do, just havent written in it since like june. for as long as i can remember i've always had something to write in--a spare notebook, a blank piece of paper. it really didnt matter as long as there was space to write. most of them i've kept, but last summer i threw one of them away. it held too many bad memories, so much sadness. i dont regret throwing it away at all..bc it was a bit of a release, just letting go of the past you know? but the thing i do regret, are the memories that were good that went along with the bad. but i guess if i still remember them, thats all that matters.
so anyways..speaking of the past, i've had a couple of my friends pop back into my life lately. its kinda weird, but in a good way i think. the one friend i've known since high school and she is exactly the same--a total blast, and always happy. i need more happy in my life, and she is perfect for that. its also fun remembering HS with someone..shes like a living breathing yearbook lol.
and for news about my mom..she is doing GREAT! she just had a scan of her brain the day before yesterday and its perfectly clear and looking good! i'm so proud of her..she has been having non stop chemo treatments, nupajin (i know spelled that wrong!) shots and countless poking by needles. but she has stayed strong and positive..and has hardly had any bad days at all--she is amazing and so strong. i know that if it were me in her shoes, i would be crumbling by now. but she is just taking it one day at a time and just plain being so damn happy about life. i admire that in her--i wonder if its heriditary bc i dont think i got that trait ;)
i think thats it for today.