I heard this rumor..

So once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a girl who had too much time on her hands, and too much to say. So the girl had this idea that she should blog. And so she did. Lo and behold, some people were actually reading said blog. And then, as luck would have it, the girl ran out of things to say! As if!

So a few weeks ago, I was talking to one of my friends on twitter (yet another social media thing that I got super into, and then abandon here and there), and we got to talking about our blogs, and why we havent updated them lately. You see, she hasn't updated hers in about as long as me. Now this isn't a direct quote, but she said her reason was something along the lines of, "I dont have anything happy to write about". I told her, I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Honestly though, I'm not saying I'm depressed everyday all day. But, life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Things get tough, and then I don't know, I like shrink away from all my social networking. I go into hibernation. And I really hate that i do that. I think about how much the Internet helped me when I was a sahm; it was my connection to the world. And then here I am, slamming the door in it's face when life gets hard. Some friend I am. Pshht.

Or you know, it could be that I'm just too lazy to blog (: Yeah. It's probably just that. But I miss it. I lay in bed at night with all these awesome things to blog. And then don't do it. Like, how Olivia has turned into a mini me. And how I really think our dog needs a friend. Like maybe a Boston terrier. Or that theeee cutest wedges at forever21 and can't wait to show them to the world. See. It goes on and on.

Miss you cyber world.
Xoxo
Me

another day in paradise

Aka..mommy guilt.
Gotta story. Wanna hear it? Here it goes.

On Thursday, Art and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage. Whoa. Did I just type that? Shit. I'm old! Anyways..since it happens to fall on a Thursday, we haven't had any luck in getting a sitter. So we planned on doing brunch and a movie Friday while the kids are at school. Good idea, yes? Well....

Last night after sending the kids to bed, Maya had come to find me--she had a paper in her hand. She tells me she had forgotten to give me the paper earlier. So I take it from her and kinda scan it. Immediately I knew what it was, and it broke my heart. A field trip to Kingsbury Hall to watch a play of Frog and Toad; Mayas favorite favorite characters from her favorite books. Cue puppy dog eyes and her sweet little voice "momma can you pweeese come wiff me?".
Argh. I'm a sucker for the eyes. The sweet baby voice; she is still my baby after all. I scootch her off to bed, and with my head hanging low, I go to relay the news to Art. Of course he has this brilliant idea that we should both go on the field trip. Make it a date. While I think its sweet, I didn't quite imagine spending our anniversary with so many kids!

So tonight I sat Maya down and explained the situation. She paid very close attention, nodding along as I explained why it was a special day for daddy and I. Then when I'm done, I asked her what she thought. So she took a deep breath and said " I think you should spend your anniversary with daddy". And then it happened. The biggest, wettest crocodile tear this side of the Mississippi. SIGH. She is good.

So, here I sit, still not knowing what to do. Break my daughters heart...or spend my anniversary in the company of at least a hundred 2nd graders?

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°missing you°

I seem to have nothing to say anymore. I have used the excuse of not having some kind of app for my phone to make it easier to do. Which, I'll admit, if I had an app, I would probably consider blogging more. I've even considered switching to tumblr. But then I realized I'm probably not cool enough to use it. I wish that turning on my computer didn't seem like such a task, but it does. Maybe it's because my PC is a senior citizen and only really works well when its a full moon on the 6th Sunday of the 13th month. Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But it does definitely *feel* like its a chore. I can't remember the last time I actually used the computer for anything--seems my phone is taking the brunt of the workload. Its always nearby and usually pretty fast...and I'm lazy. So yeah. An app for my phone would be immensely helpful. Maybe I should learn how to write codes and make an app myself.. hmm. Yeah not gonna happen. Remember how I said I'm lazy? It always gets in the way of all my good ideas.

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rAnDoMs

-shutting down this blog. do I or dont I? I dont update nearly as much as I used to. I mean to, but dont seem to make time for it. I like that I have had this blog for so long and I can go back and read old entries and pictures--and even better, I can read comments that my mom left forever ago. thank you internets for being so awesome!

 

-should I grow my hair out or keep it short. yes, I know this is a super important topic that you are all waiting with bated breath to hear about. I like short hair because I think its more flattering for my chubby face. and I like short styles. But then I think that I havent had long hair in a really, really long time. and then I ponder, self, maybe you're too old for long hair! is there a time frame for something like that? I dont mean long like to my butt crack. just to like my shoulders or a little past. hmm.

 

-do I look ghetto/stripper-esque with my zebra print acrylic nails? probably. not sure if I care or not though. I think I like them enough to do it again.

 

-why does my hairstylist refuse to call me back? I love her so and really dont want to find a new person.

 

-missing my crafty-ness. I think about it daily. and then move on to something else. sigh.

 

-on that note, I'm looking forward to Craft Lake City this month so I can oogle all the other people getting their craft on. and then be jealous of said crafting. and of course I'll say things like 'Ooh! I could totally make that!' and then never think of it again.

 

-feeling guilty because my dog is home alone all day. PS: the last job situation I mentioned did NOT last. so not surprised by that. I was the walking dead. on to greener pastures with just one job which I'm loving. so YAY (:

 

-sad that I dont really get to do BTS shopping. am I the only parent out there that actually LIKES buying new clothes and shoes for my kids? I mean, I do get to buy them new stuff, but its not cute in the least because they have to wear uniforms.. and olivia totally hates that. she is dying to to get some new trendy clothes. I could buy them anyway and she could wear them on the weekend. but thats so not the point.

 

-thinking about buying a new car and art and I just cant agree: car or truck?

I say car, because we would probably get better gas mileage from a car than a truck.

He says truck because then we could haul stuff around. (my thought: What stuff is this that needs hauling around?) I mean, we have somehow survived the last, I dont know, like 9 years without needing stuff hauled. And then he says what about when his mom needs stuff hauled? So then of course I counter with, 'You want to buy a truck in case your mom needs something moved?' LOL. see, this debate will never end.

 

**and this my friends, is the reason I am not sleeping at night. Well, okay. there are other things that I think about too. like I forgot to buy poptarts for the kids to have for breakfast. and that I need to get my dog a new chew toy for being so good all day. and what should we have for dinner for the rest of the week?  do the kids need laundry done? do I?

the stupid list never ends.

 

xoxo,

monica

 

 

 

 

Finally..

-who knew that it would still be freezing rain in the middle of may? Or is it the end of may now? Such awesome Utah weather.

-whats new? Well recently started a second job. Pay Is great. But lets be honest: I'm lazy. So Its very very questionable how long I'll be able to keep up this charade. I currantly work outside the home from 6pm to 12am..then come home and work until 2:30am, get the kids up for school at 7, then work till about 9 or 10am..then nap. Eat. Shower. Repeat.

-kids have like two weeks left of school. Can't decide if I'm excited or not lol

-i have a huge summer wishlist building up. One of those is a trampoline for the kidlets. Figure its been awhile since we've had any broken bones around here and we should do something about that. Ha!

-another list that keeps growing much to my chagrin is household items that need replaced. Like the water heater that is temperamental and will only heat up or stay lit when it feels like it. I think it has pms. Then the dryer decided it was going to strike as well and not turn. Awesome. Then today the lawnmower joined the union. Thankfully after the front was mowed. However the backyard is still a jungle. I told Art that it probably stopped working because it was pissed off for not being used often enough.  :p

-funny thing that happened this weekend; took the kids to the living traditions festival,  lots of fun free stuff to do. We were walking around after Olivia had gotten a henna tattoo (which she was annoyed with because she kept getting her sleeve in it) and I hear her say "that's nice. That's REAL nice." I turn around to see why she's being so snarky -- then I see it. Bird poop. On her shoulder. I laughed. And laughed. Which in turn caused her to cry and tell me that she was ready to go home. Now. Lol. I only was laughing at her comment. Oh well. She survived.

-the pictures are from Saturday after they made some Mexican paper flowers. Olivia refused to smile. Per usual. Le sigh.

Xoxo
Monica

.broken hearts suck ass.

i need to ramble. i've contemplated about whether or not i should i blog about this. its been on my mind and heart for a long time. i've wanted to talk about it. i need to talk about it. get it off my chest and just out there. but i think art just doesnt understand. or maybe he does, but cant comfort me in the way i need. my mom would understand. she would know the right thing to say. she always did, even if wasnt really words, just quiet understanding.

i've recently lost someone close to me. maybe thats not the right wording. no one died, but a relationship did...so i guess i'm mourning that the way i would as if someone had passed. i lost my bff. people change. priorities. differences happen. it stung. shocked me. i felt that i had found my person. she WAS my person. is. i dont think i've been this hurt over a friendship..well..ever.

it was me. it was her. it doesnt matter.. the only relevent thing is that i've felt lost since then. i second guess everything i say and do. i question whether or not i'm being nice, supporting and encouraging or even friendly enough to the people in my life..  i worry that i keep my mouth shut when really i should be supporting--i worry i shouldnt be supporting or giving advice, and that i should just mind my own business. but then i feel weird for being so quiet. everything feels all wrong. i've never worried about what i said or how i react to things so much before; i'm so self conscience now. i have no self esteem. i feel like i'm not worthy of being friends with anyone. this one person, my bestie--she knew me better than anyone in the world, probably better than i knew myself. i cant help but feel that because of that, who i am, that that is the reason we are no longer friends. i have been shaken to my very core. i am re-thinking everything, how i dress, what i find funny, who i spend time with, where i go..how i speak, what i think. i miss her. i miss us. i am lonely and sad all too often. and i remember once again what is like having to make new friends again. how hard it is as an adult, trying so hard to be accepted. hoping that someone will see something in me that they will like and fearing they wont see anything at all that is appealing to them. i hate this. self loathing. this isnt me, but yet i can think of nothing else. sometimes i tell myself its like that saying, that people are in your life sometimes for a reason or season, or whatever gay thing it says. you know which one i'm talking about? anyways. i've been having a hard time adjusting. not having that one person i can spill everything to. good things and bad. that person i can let my guard down with, and just be silly and goofy..its thrown me off. but i'm hopeful. i'm hopeful that i will find myself again, and maybe not be too worried about how others see me. true friendship. i'm positive i'll find it again.

xoxo

always playing catch up

-its not as if i lead an ultra exciting and busy life. because i dont. i think its pretty average. yet, i'm still unable to bring myself to pull up my chair and write my thoughts down for a few minutes. and in all actuality, i'm already sitting here, usually working, so its not like i'd be going out of my way, turning on the computer, etc. ah well. what counts is that, today, i'm blogging..so the let the updating commence!

-art lost his job about a month ago. totally shocked. kinda still am. but, it might just have a silver lining. we've been talking about him going to school, which is always a good thing.

-i chopped all of mayas beautiful waist length hair off--to just above her shoulders. i was really terrified that she was going to regret it the second i cut it; she's so wishy washy sometimes, the way only 7 year old girls can be. anyways, she LOVES it. phew!

 exhibit A:

i think it came out super cute, and i think it kinda reminds me of Selena Gomez' hair when she went short, no?

-been purging a ton of my scrapbook stuff. again. and this time, its actually really going to leave my house. yay! the awesome thing about purging, is that it makes me miss being crafty. i miss getting paint and glue all over me. and seeing bits of papers all over the floor. i miss it, so therefore, i am trying to get back into it. i even did like 3 pages in one night. i think i even almost forgot how to use my scanner. that was an adventure, hehee.

-on the note of scrapbooking, is my mom, of course. i dont think i ever realized just how much she influenced me. always cheering me on, and exclaiming over my accomplishments, gushing about how cute the girls were, noting where she could see improvements in my craft of the moment. she was amazing. she made me feel amazing. and good. i think it just now really hit me as i'm typing this; i did it for her as much as i was doing it for myself. maybe she was just being a good mom by complimenting me, and egging me to do more. whatever it was, it worked. and now i dont seem to find the same joy in creating as i did before. sounds pretty vain, now that i'm typing it. i guess its the truth though. i always loved knowing that she loved looking at all the silly pictures i take of the girls, or showing her my latest page. i loved her input, and now its gone, so now i just dont even try. which means i havent taken many pictures in the last year and a half. bottom line i'm trying to get through to myself, via this post--i miss my mom. i dont want to scrapbook things she has missed. its my way of making time stand still. everytime i glue a photo to paper, i think of her. so maybe, i'm really just robbing myself of memories...hmm. food for thought, yes.

-so, for those of you out in blogland, this IS still a scrapbooking blog. i promise. i still love the craft, the art, the passion. its still in me.

xoxo

monica